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November 6, 2012
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I would have touched the Sun
With hands that never knew hard labor.
If it brought back the tender smile of a man.
That’s sweeter than the gleam of amber.

I would have crossed the sea and then the ocean
For a quick glimpse of lonesome eyes of his,
Those look at me with such a strange emotion
My heart is conquered and soul in his sovereignty.

I would have reached and grabbed a star
To brighten anguished nights for him.
When bitter moon leaves deepest scar,  
I’d chant away my hearted hymn.
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:iconredd093:
~redd093 Nov 9, 2012  Student Writer
Always a fan of the imagery XD But the 'on again off again' rhyme scheme kind of threw me off.
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:iconyankumie:
*yankumie Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
can you please tell me more about the things you didn't like?
i want to improve! and sadly, people don't criticize lately at all =//
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:iconredd093:
~redd093 Nov 11, 2012  Student Writer
You're preaching to the choir. -_-; Umm, I guess another thing that throws me off is grammar. There's quite a few spots where there are little mistakes. Nothing major, though.
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:iconyankumie:
*yankumie Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
like what kind mistakes?? sorry, curiosity strikes!))
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:iconredd093:
~redd093 Nov 11, 2012  Student Writer
--"For a quick glimpse of lonesome eyes of his," I think there should be 'those' in between 'of lonesome'.
--"My heart is conquered and soul in his sovereignty." It should be 'my soul' and 'is in his sovereignty'.
--"I would have reached and grabbed a star" It's not really a grammatical error, but I think it would sound better if it read 'I would have reached up and grabbed a star"
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:iconyankumie:
*yankumie Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh i understand now! i thought it was grammatically correct in poetry to skip things like IS and THOSE, because i've seen it done in poetry before.))
i will re-write!
thank you so much for you help! :D
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:iconsieg-fried:
this is kind of romantic...i like it
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