I would have touched the Sun With hands that never knew hard labor. If it brought back the tender smile of a man. That’s sweeter than the gleam of amber.
I would have crossed the sea and then the ocean For a quick glimpse of lonesome eyes of his, Those look at me with such a strange emotion My heart is conquered and soul in his sovereignty.
I would have reached and grabbed a star To brighten anguished nights for him. When bitter moon leaves deepest scar, I’d chant away my hearted hymn.
You're preaching to the choir. -_-; Umm, I guess another thing that throws me off is grammar. There's quite a few spots where there are little mistakes. Nothing major, though.
--"For a quick glimpse of lonesome eyes of his," I think there should be 'those' in between 'of lonesome'. --"My heart is conquered and soul in his sovereignty." It should be 'my soul' and 'is in his sovereignty'. --"I would have reached and grabbed a star" It's not really a grammatical error, but I think it would sound better if it read 'I would have reached up and grabbed a star"
oh i understand now! i thought it was grammatically correct in poetry to skip things like IS and THOSE, because i've seen it done in poetry before.)) i will re-write! thank you so much for you help!
i want to improve! and sadly, people don't criticize lately at all =//
--"My heart is conquered and soul in his sovereignty." It should be 'my soul' and 'is in his sovereignty'.
--"I would have reached and grabbed a star" It's not really a grammatical error, but I think it would sound better if it read 'I would have reached up and grabbed a star"
i will re-write!
thank you so much for you help!